Simmer The Pot

Facebook Etiquette: What Would Emily Post Do?

2010-03-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Facebook Friends,

It's time we had a talk. I think we're close enough now (again?) that we can have an open dialogue. Like a couple who have grown so familiar that they no longer close the bathroom door, we may have become a little too comfortable here. There are some things that may not need to be shared with all 417 of your closest friends, know what I'm saying?

Unfortunately, Emily Post died 50 years ago, way before she could clearly delineate the rules of Facebook etiquette. Still, I have to believe that there are a few things she'd like you to consider. I've jotted them down below. Hope you don't mind.

1) I get that there are things like Farmville, Mafia Wars, Cafe World, some kind of vampire thing, and who knows what else...but if you're seemingly addicted to more than one of these, you're on my suspect list. And I'm sorry but I can't help with your barn raising, I have no bricks, and I have not seen your rogue animals!

2) Please don't tell us how much you hate your job every single freaking day. Every day! We get it, okay? After a year and a half, we get it. And you know what? You can probably leave the office five minutes earlier each day if you just cover off the week with a great big "WORK SUCKS" on Monday mornings. See--right there's 20 minutes a week you just won back. Good work.

3) In fact, we don't need a play by play on every aspect of your daily routine. You have to admit--it's strange to go from wondering whatever happened to that kid from your 8th grade gym class to knowing that his coffee was like rocket fuel this morning, that this afternoon's meeting was WAY too long, and that his wife is making Chicken Parmesan for dinner. Please step away from the keyboard.

4) Please don't wax poetic or try and be overly profound. After your tenth obscure quote or "insightful" statement about life, you just sound like a pretentious asshole. Oh, that's right...

5) Did you defriend me? Because someone did. Last night there were 216 of you, and today, 215. And now I have to spend the next 20 minutes figuring out who defected. And the next three weeks wondering why. Was I not funny enough? Did I post too much? Too little? Am I too political? Polarizing? Did my "Winter 2009" photos and their witty captions rekindle those 7th grade feelings, forcing you to defriend me to avoid falling in love once more? Ah, the mysteries of life.

6) Married couples, please refrain from posting "I love you honeyyyyyyyyy" or the like as your status. Nothing wrong with telling us about the adorable thing your spouse did--that's sweet, and may even give us a few ideas we can recycle. But assuming you have other means of communicating with one another, don't act like all 234 of us aren't in the room!

7) If you use the word "hubby" I will not hesitate to report you.

8) Your kids are cute. They say cute things. Perhaps rather than a daily transcript, you can just send the Cliff's Notes? Thanks in advance.

9) Suspense writers: Posts like "The fire dept is on the way" or "Well, on to better things" really do demand further explanation. Is your cat in a tree, or is something on fire? Did you lose your job, or give up on your "farm?" And while we're on the topic, I have to ask--did you really not realize you were sounding the alarm with a post like that? Or were you just in the mood for 300 "What? What's wrong? What happened?" messages, and unsure of how else to get them? You took the 30 seconds to get on and post--so take an extra five and give us the run down so we know whether to help you or block you!

10) I love the 25 question type notes, and really do enjoy reading them. What I don't enjoy is knowing that you sleep naked. Okay? Terrific.

Well friends, that about sums it up. Aren't you glad we cleared the air here? I know I sure am! Now, it's off to look at pictures of your day at the zoo, my third grade violin concert, and my cousin's wacky trip to Amsterdam. Have a great day!

Thanks and best regards,
Robyn

Breakfast for Dinner

2010-03-12T13:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I just need to mix it up a little at dinner time. Really. There always comes a day where I find myself in front of the refrigerator wondering just how much chicken one family can possibly eat. So when I feel stuck in a dinner rut (and--truth be told--when I am looking for something easy to make) breakfast for dinner can do the trick! And I don't feel guilty about it, because breakfast can be delicious and filling and even have some nutritional value.

Lately, I've been making this extremely delicious baked french toast dish based on a recipe from Paula Deen. I love Paula Deen. Now, I will admit that I have eased off of some of the extremely delicious and stunningly rich ingredients she uses in her version--but the french toast is delicious nonetheless. You prepare it the night before--or even in the morning when you're doing the breakfast stuff-- and then just stick it in the oven when you're ready to make dinner.
When I'm feeding us all something rich like this, I do feel obligated to heavy up on the healthy stuff, too. Fruit smoothies are an easy way to get the maximum amount of fruit into the kids (and us) and are fabulous because they don't require lots of chopping, peeling, etc.

A meal like this is fun for the kids too. When my big kids were little, they used to write up "Brinner" menus on a wipe board and run around with pads taking orders. Whatever works, right?

Here are the recipes. Let me know what you think!

Baked French Toast

1 loaf of challah bread (16 ounces)
8 large eggs
3 cups milk (whatever you have is fine; whole milk, 1% or any combo.)
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt
Praline Topping, recipe follows

Slice challah into 16-20 slices, 1-inch each. Arrange slices in a generously buttered 9 x 13-inch pyrex baking dish in 2 rows, overlapping the slices. In a large bowl, combine the eggs, milk, sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt and whisk until blended. Pour mixture over the bread slices, making sure all are covered evenly with the milk-egg mixture. Spoon some of the mixture in between the slices. Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight, or for the rest of the day.

45 min before you're ready to eat, preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Spread Praline Topping evenly over the bread and bake (uncovered) for 40 minutes, until puffed and lightly golden.

Praline Topping:

(My son is allergic to nuts, so we actually do this without pecans in our house; it is still extremely delicious.)

1 1/2 sticks of butter, melted
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 cup chopped pecans
1 tablespoon light corn syrup
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt

Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl and blend well. Don't refrigerate it or it will harden--just cover and leave on the counter if you make it ahead of time. Pour over french toast before putting in the oven.

Fruit Smoothies

These are so great, because you can buy good quality frozen fruit and just keep it on hand. Trader Joe's and Whole Foods both sell organic frozen berries, mango, etc. You can really mix up whatever fruit you like or have on hand, but here's a recipe I like. (This recipe uses coconut milk--if you don't like it, you can use 1 1/2 cups almond milk or water instead--but the coconut milk gives it a nice consistency. Coconut milk comes in a can, usually in the Asian foods section. Light or regular are both fine.)

2 cups mixed berries ( I use the frozen ones, right from the freezer.)
2 cups coconut milk
1 tsp cinnamon
1-2 tsp agave (it's like honey, but comes from better for you because it has a lower glycemic index. If you don't have agave, or aren't concerned about that stuff, honey is great too.)
1/2 cup ice

Blend together until smooth. Makes four 6 oz servings.
Enjoy your brinner!

Meatballs and Spaghetti

2010-02-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

I used to cook from scratch all the time. But little by little, in pursuit of quick and easy dinner options, I've delegated certain things to my friend and yours, Trader Joe. I mean, that rice cooks in three minutes. Three minutes, people! And there is no dirty pot!!!

Thanks to our friend Trader Joe, I have not made meatballs from scratch in at least a year. Maybe more. But I know in my heart that the Trader Joe's turkey meatballs we've been eating really do pale in comparison to homemade meatballs, so yesterday I gave in and made the real thing. You know, it only took maybe 10 min of prep time and I cooked them in the oven, so there wasn't a big greasy mess, and I didn't have to stand around watching them the whole time. I can do this more than once a year!

Before I give you the recipe, I do just want to say that buying good ground beef is really important. Did you read that article in the Sunday Times a few months ago about how ground beef is processed in this country? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/04/health/04meat.html Not. Good. Really. Not good. So now I buy ground beef at Whole Foods, because it is a) from a single farm and b) ground in the store. Mr. Simmer the Pot is sure he can taste the difference from using good quality meat, and he is an extreme foodie, so who knows, maybe he's right.

You don't need to buy the meat at Whole Foods--but at the very least, ask at the butcher counter to make sure the meat is ground in the store where you buy it.

Sauce recipe follows, in case you really feel like doing it up.

Happy cooking!

Meatballs and Spaghetti

2 lbs ground beef

(Many people swear by a combo of meats; you can combine 1/2 lb ground veal, 1/2 lb ground pork, and 1 lb beef)

2 slices of bread soaked in 1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup seasoned bread crumbs

2 Tbsp chopped fresh Italian (flat-leaf) parsley

1/2 c freshly grated Parmesan cheese (if you don't like it or don't have it, just leave it out.)

2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper

2 eggs, beaten

3/4 cup warm water

- Preheat the oven to 375, and cover two baking sheets in foil

(Put your sauce in a big pot and warm it up while you're prepping the meatballs)

- Put the slices of bread in a bowl, cover w. the milk, let the bread soak it up

- In the meantime, beat the eggs in a large bowl

- Add the bread and all other ingredients to the large bowl
(Those who are inclined to sneak more good-for-you things into your family's food: meatballs are perfect for this. Add 1/4 c ground flax seeds, or sautee some finely chopped onion and carrots or kale and add to the meat mixture.)

- Gently mix everything together. Some say to do it with a fork--you can try, but your hands are going in anyway, so just use them. But take your rings off first.

- Mix w. hands (um, fork, whatever) until all the ingredients are well combined. Try not to squish the meat too much.

- Make into 2-inch meatballs. Put onto baking sheets covered w. aluminum foil. (You will need 2 sheets.)

(If you're serving this immediately, start your pasta water now!)

- Bake at 375 for 10 min. Then gently turn them so they won't be flat on one side. If you forget--so, they're a little flat. They will still taste good. Bake 10-15 more min, or until done.

- When done, add to the sauce and simmer them in there for a while. This will make both the sauce and the meatballs more delicious.

There are some really good jarred sauces out there now, so if you are not inclined to make your own, your dinner will still be great. For jarred sauce, I like Jerry's Homemade Marinara http://jerryshomemade.com/OnlineStore.html

or Cento San Marzano Pasta Sauce (on sale at Shop Rite for $3.99!)

or honestly, plain old Ragu Old World Style. That's what we ate as kids and it's not over-spiced.

BUT...if you do want to make sauce from scratch, it's not hard, and it will be extremely yummy and you will have leftover sauce which you can then freeze and whip out some night in the future.

Here's how:

Pasta Sauce

One medium Spanish or Vidalia onion (in a pinch, whatever you have is ok, really)
2 Tbsp olive oil
2-3 cloves of garlic
1 can tomato paste
2 28-oz cans chopped tomatoes (Jersey Fresh are remarkably good, Muir Glen if you want organic.)
1/4 cup of fresh chopped basil (or 1 Tbsp dried basil)
Small handful of fresh chopped parsley (or 1 Tbsp dried)
1/4 tsp dried oregano (don't overdo the oregano)
Salt and pepper to taste

- Finely dice the onion
- In a big pot, sauteé it in the olive oil over low-medium heat
- Once the onion is softened (3 min) add 2-3 cloves finely chopped garlic. Sautee to soften the garlic but don't brown it or it will be bitter
- After 2-3 min, add 1 small can tomato paste; stir well. Cook 1-2 minutes
- Add 2 28-oz cans of chopped tomatoes. Stir, stir, stir, scraping the good stuff from the bottom and mixing it into the sauce
- Stir in 1 cup water
- Add a handful of fresh chopped basil. If you don't have fresh, add 1 Tbsp of the dried kind, along with the parsley and oregano
- Allow to simmer for 15 min uncovered. Taste, then add salt and pepper. Add the meatballs if you've made them and sauteé 15 min more. (If you don't have time, just mix the meatballs into the sauce and serve w. pasta--the meatballs/sauce will taste even better tomorrow!)

Enjoy your dinner. And let me know how it turns out!

I Want My Food TV

2010-01-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Cablevision and Scripps,

Can't we all just get along?

It's been two weeks without Food Network and HGTV and we're getting a little testy around here.

Now Cablevision, I know you are trying to tell us that this is all Scripps' fault, and that you are just the fall guy, taking the heat from the very customers whose wallets you are trying to protect. But come on. Who is buying that? We all know you are a giant powerful corporation and we all know that you got that way by getting us to pay more and more for TV, which most of us still remember used to be free. It can't be ALL Scripps' fault.

Before we even get to the issue of whether or not what you're saying is believable, let's first address what you are saying. What ARE you saying??? Your long, drawn out explanation of how Scripps got a case of the Greedy Gimmies and took their networks and went home is maybe just a million times more complicated than it needs to be.

Our needs are basic. Show us yummy food. Let us see what Paula or Ina can do with 12 sticks of butter and a waffle iron, or what Giada can make with all that cleavage showing, or what $150,000 can buy (four bedrooms AND a walk in closet???) in other parts of the country. But please cease and desist with all the blah blah blah. Are you bringing Iron Chef back? Not yet? Then shhhh. Because your powerpoint presentation has too many slides and it's making my brain hurt.

Cablevision, I did happen to catch the part about Scripps wanting to raise our rates and Cablevision being vehemently opposed to this. As proof of your disdain for rate increases, you quote some statistics about how little Cablevision's rates have gone up over the past few years. Now...perhaps your rates haven't gone up, but you've done other things, like taking away channels we're already paying for and making them cost extra. I think we have had to upgrade to the triple platinum diamond golden package by now, just so we can get HBO.

And Scripps. Could you really, really not find a way to work it out before pulling the networks from Cablevision? You have to know that since food tv has become cool, lots of other networks are ramping up the food programming. Um, Top Chef? Man vs Food, anyone? Tony Bourdain? Tonight I even saw a BBQ contest on TLC. Left to our own devices, we can probably find a way to get our food tv fix without an actual Food Network.

I will admit, my immediate reaction was to hurry up and get FiOS. Which I'm sure is just what you Scripps guys hoped would happen. But perhaps you have underestimated our collective laziness, or our interest in not creating annoying scenarios that involve long hours waiting at home for service people that will more than likely not show up between 8am and 4pm no matter what we do. Plus, I heard that the FiOS people have to dig up your yard to run lines or something and the last thing we need right now is to put the landscapers back on the list of people to pay, it's the dead of winter for crying out loud. Unless...would HGTV come and redo my yard if it gets ripped up by the FiOS installer???

Okay, people. It's time to kiss and make up. I want to see Genevive fix up my friend Monica's basement when her episode of Dear Genevive airs on HGTV in March. And I'm wondering how that new Iron Chef is doing. Is that annoying woman with the $10 meals still on??? And where is Guy Fieri off to today? Will the original Iron Chef (in Japanese, with the English voiceovers) ever come back??? Cablevision, Scripps, you know you love each other. So please. Kiss and make up. Or let us trade the 78 channels we never watch for the two we want. Either way. Let us know.

Thanks and best regards,
Robyn

Book Review: Llama Llama Red Pajama

2009-12-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

Llama Llama Red Pajama, written and illustrated by Anna Dewdney, a Vermont teacher and mother of two.

Who is it for?
2 to 5, or maybe 6 year olds

The lowdown: Mama Llama puts Llama Llama to bed, but Llama Llama doesn't want to be alone. He calls for his mama, and becomes increasingly frantic until Mama Llama finally comes to reassure him.

Why I like it:
The story works on a lot of levels.
1) It's relatable for kids and parents alike. Most kids have become agitated at bedtime and have at least been tempted to call for water, extra kisses, etc. Most parents have found themselves downstairs, or in the next room, trying to get on with the evening and praying that the child will just fall asleep already.

2) The Mama Llama has a normal, realistic human-mama reaction when Llama Llama finally freaks and yells his little llama lungs out for her. She is suitably agitated, but recovers nicely and is able to reassure Llama Llama right to sleep. Does this serve as both warning (If I really scream for Mom, and nothing is wrong, when she comes up, she's gonna be pissed) and reassurance (Everything's fine, Mom is always here for me, even if she's not in the room) for kids? Hmm, I'll go with yes. At least I hope so!

3) The illustrations are great! Fun, expressive, attractive and engaging.

Does it rhyme?
Yes, and the rhymes work nicely.

How long is it?
Four minutes when read with feeling. Not bad.

More fun facts:
If you like it, you may want to spend some more time with Llama Llama and his llama mama. Check out Llama Llama Mad at Mama (Mama Llama has to go shopping and you-know-who just wants to go have fun) and Llama Llama Misses Mama (about Llama Llama's experience at school.)

For more on Anna Dewdney, visit her website: www.annadewdney.com

Happy reading!

Soundbites: November 2009

2009-11-30T11:36:00.000-08:00

"Don't eat your napkin." (Mom to a 4-year old)

"Some people think it's made from a Nun's urine" (A mom on a rumor she heard about the H1N1 vaccine)

"I'm digested" (5-year old explaining his congestion)

"If I wanted the dishes to take two hours and still come out dirty, I would have asked my husband to do them." (Woman explaining the problem with her new dishwasher)

Chicken Adobo: Simply delicious!

2009-11-30T10:46:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite weekday dishes because it is SO easy to make, doesn’t dirty the whole kitchen, needs no attention while cooking (but looks like it took some effort,) and tastes absolutely delicious. My husband, Mr. Simmer the Pot, first had Chicken Adobo when he lived in Hong Kong and had a housekeeper from the Philippines. She made it regularly and served it over rice, which is what I usually do. Anyway, just add a salad, or some steamed broccoli, and you’re done.

As with any home-cooked classic, there are almost as many ways to prepare this dish as there are cooks. Here is a simple but delicious variation. Don't worry about being exact--feel free to play around with it and make it your own.

1 cup soy sauce

½ cup vinegar (white or rice)

1 cup water

1 TBSP. chopped garlic

2 bay leaves

Freshly ground black pepper (or whole peppercorns if you prefer)

2 ½ lbs. chicken parts (we like thighs, but use whatever you want or have on hand)

Throw everything into a wide pot, bring to a boil, reduce heat to a simmer, and cook uncovered for about a half hour (maybe a little less for all white meat).

Remove chicken to a serving bowl. Increase heat and boil liquid for about 10 minutes until reduced and thickened. Spoon over chicken. That’s it. Enjoy!

I heart Etsy

2009-11-27T21:46:00.000-08:00

I love Etsy. Have you been there? You have to check it out. It's sort of a huge online craft show. I can get sucked in for hours. What's cool is that everything is so unique and it's all made by people with ideas and crafty skills. Not machines. Not 3,000 at a time. One at a time. Lots of times, things are made by moms like us, who are just trying to get their creative on and make a few bucks doing it. And most times if you have a special request, the seller is happy to accommodate you.

Tonight I ordered a bunch of hair clips for my daughter. Now that she's two, she actually has enough hair to possibly, potentially, maybe handle some type of hair accessory. But her hair is very smooth and fine. So I know I need the kind of clips with non-slip grips. Oh, and she's a little peanut, so she needs the clips to be little. There are tons on Etsy, and there are such cute things. Personally, I like the felt clips the best--but there are about a jillion of them so there's something for everyone.

Etsy is a great place for holiday shopping, too. The stuff is unique, usually reasonably priced, and there's just some amazing craftsmanship going on. Plus, when you shop at Etsy, you can feel good because you're supporting small businesses. So everybody wins. Check it out: www.etsy.com

Here's what I bought tonight.
From Emmi's Cottage (http://www.etsy.com/shop/emmiscottageetsy):

Cute, right?

And from Lexi Lou (http://www.etsy.com/shop/lexiloudesignulove):

She had a bunch of really adorable ribbon-type bows. These were $3.00 for the set of three!

And from Sweet Bitty Bows (http://www.etsy.com/shop/SweetBittyBows) I bought a few:

Will let you know how it all turns out. In the meantime, happy shopping!

Welcome to Simmer the Pot: "Thanks and best regards" and then some.

2009-11-23T11:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to Simmer the Pot! So glad you're here!
Don't worry. I know it's different. But the letters you've been enjoying will continue. Trust me, I run across enough annoying/ridiculous/hilarious scenarios in the course of daily life to continue my letter writing campaign indefinitely. But I was thinking that maybe I could give a little more. Sarcasm will take you far...but one can not live on snark alone.

So, I've added a few features I'm hoping you'll enjoy. We'll have recipes. Everyday kind of recipes that real people can cook, even if it's 5:00 and your kids are running around the house and the TV has been on for too long already. Favorite products and places. And kids' book reviews. (We're reading the books--let's try and find something we can enjoy too, mkay?) There'll be some funny quotes, and some favorite things, too.

It's also easier for you to subscribe now, so that new posts will end up right in your inbox as soon as they're posted.

Anything you want to see? Anything that's not working here for you? Please let me know.
In the meantime, thanks for reading. Enjoy!

Thanks and best regards--
Robyn

Tis the Season...

2009-10-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Santa,

Hey, how are you doing? Gearing up for the holiday season, I suppose. Did you guys get the H1N1 vaccine up there? Not sure if reindeer can get the mist, but you might want to look into that. At least get their names on the list.

Anyway, listen, I don't usually ask you for anything. Yes, of course it's because I'm Jewish. But you know, I'm doing my part to keep you in business by letting my son believe that you may exist. When he asks if you're real, I say "I don't really know about that--I'm Jewish like you" so that he doesn't go around ruining it for all the little Christian kids. Not that you owe me...but maybe we can work something out.

What I'm asking for isn't that crazy. It's not like world peace, an end to hunger, or an end to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (although if anyone can tell me what we're fighting for and how we'll know when we've "won," I'll be happy to listen.) I mean, let's face it, you talk to reindeer. So I'm keeping it simple. Here it is. You know how Disney has announced that they will refund people's money for all those Baby Einstein videos, if the parents who bought them don't think they made their kids any smarter? Well, what I want is copies of the letters the parents write asking for their refunds.

Please oh please oh please can I have those letters? Please? I need to know who is going to write to Disney and say, "Hey, thanks for offering the refund, because we were just sitting around thinking that despite all the videos, this kid's no Einstein." Who will be the first among us to stand and say that despite having used Baby Einstein videos as directed, little Leo still insists on trying to get not one, but two egg-shakers into his mouth during each and every music class?

Santa, I will be nice and share the letters with my friends. I will take good and proper care of them. I will read them over and over again, instead of just letting them lay around unread and unloved after Christmas morning. Please????

I think when I see those letters, I will decide to admire the parents who wrote them. It's like declaring that the Emperor had no clothes. Everyone knew it, but only one guy had the guts to put it out there. These parents are courageous! Heroes among us. Although, I must admit, I'm having trouble believing that anyone who bought those videos really thought they were going to make their kids smarter.

Now, I don't know what kind of set up you guys have there, Santa, or whether you have any kids of your own, but surely you've put one or two of these videos in a stocking over the years. Even you must know that anyone who bought a Baby Einstein video in hopes of making their child smarter, and then watched any part of said video would immediately have started looking for a plan B. (No, not THE Plan B! Just, you know, another strategy.) But four of them? Disney is refunding up to four videos per family. Now THOSE are the letters I really want to see. After watching the first three, were those parents still thinking "Eh, maybe?"

But I commend the parents who can say, "We bought the videos, and, well, we're hoping he can learn to play the oboe." I need to see for myself that in this ultra competitive society, where babies are "learning" Mandarin in utero, that there are parents out there who have the balls to say, "Disney, your videos had Einstein in the name, and despite the fact the our child sat still as a stone watching seasons one through four of mute dinosaur hand puppets and cymbal clacking monkeys, today my wife and I watched him spend 20 minutes gluing his hands together, and we're thinking we deserve a refund."

I know it's high season for you over there, since the big Christmas shopping extravaganza now starts the day after Halloween, so I won't keep you. Thank you for you kind consideration in this matter. I will leave some cookies out for you and the reindeer. Oh, and some Purell, too. Just in case.

Thanks and best regards,

Robyn

Reality Strikes Back

2009-10-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dear TV Lovers,

Okay. I have been trying for months to keep my two cents out of the whole Jon and Kate thing, but I can contain myself no longer.

I have been watching that show for years, trying to figure out how these people managed to maintain eight clean and pathologically well groomed children in a consistently spotless house. Each week I would watch for clues, but to no avail. Monday night after Monday night, I would sit silently in front of the TV, mouth agape, thinking to myself a) if she can do it, I can do it; b) who am I kidding?; and c) is she really a year younger than I am? Because I don't think I look that old. Or do I???

Anyway, my point is, I know of what I speak. And I have a few theories about what's happened to Jon and Kate, and it's time these theories were exposed.

Theory #1: TLC chose Jon & Kate because they were a train wreck in the making

The first thing we have to remember here is that Reality TV was not invented because America loves to see happy little families living happy little lives, with problems that are easily resolved in 30-60 minutes (minus commercials.) That's why we have sitcoms. Reality TV was invented because as a society we are just a sick bunch of voyeurs who physically cannot tear ourselves away from the spectacle of regular people making complete and total idiots out of themselves. (Might I call your attention to Rock of Love, Wife Swap, and The Real World--the Puck years, in particular?) So if TLC comes knocking on your door asking you to be on a new reality series, they are basically telling you that it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Because they've got a couple million dollars that says you're going to realize your exceptional and spectacular potential for stupidity in the next 13-week cycle. Or maybe the one after that.

Let's be frank: Jon and Kate were low hanging fruit in this regard. He was practically catatonic; she dutifully snipped off his balls and let them jingle around in her purse with her keys--what, two, maybe three times an episode? Plus she had the other eight kids to deal with. This thing was due to implode years ago. TLC is probably pissed that it took them this long to make good on their investment.

Theory #2: Reality TV wrecks reality

Could it really be that having one's daily interactions videotaped, filtered, and edited into 22 minutes of engaging television is bad for a marriage? I don't know, but I'll tell you, I watched Little People Big World last night, and it's not looking good for the Rolloffs, either. Oh, and watch out, other little persons couple with a reality show--you seem happy now, but spend a few more months on TLC and that we're going to find out that the little doctor wife is working after hours in the on call room. And the Duggars? You have to know that as soon as the network starts hurting for ratings again, they're going to stop feeding those those 187 kids their Kool-Aid and it's going to be trouble with a capital "J" around there. Anyway, note to anyone who plans on staying married: even if something really extraordinary happens to you, the most you can really handle is like one two-hour special. So don't go getting greedy about it, Buster.

Theory #3: Jon Gosselin = Billy from Ally McBeal

Think back, TV lovers. We have seen this story line before. Jon was all normal and conservative and sane. Billy was all normal and conservative and sane. Jon was bitch-slapped regularly by Kate. Billy was bitch-slapped regularly by Georgia. Jon went off the deep end, piercing both ears and hopping on his brand new motorcycle to kick off his nationwide boning tour. (Look for him at a collegetown bar near you.) Then, in a desperate cry for help, Jon began refusing to wear anything other than Ed Hardy. Billy, too, went off the deep end, dying his hair blonde, wearing super pimped out Dr. Rey-style suits, becoming a total pompous ass and cheating on Georgia. As I recall, Billy's ordeal ended with a dramatic, tear jerking courtroom scene, where, suffering from an aneurism, he declared his love for Ally and then flatlined. As courtroom season is just heating up for the Gosselins, now's probably as good a time as any for Jon to have a little check up. You know, just in case.

Anyhow, that's what I've got. Any other theories are welcome. You know, I'll miss the Monday night TV time, but I have a feeling that the next unwitting-yet-earnest family is being scouted out at this very moment. And there's always the Duggars. At least, for now.

Thanks and best regards,

Robyn

The library, the children, and the librarian who loves to hate them.

2009-09-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Children's Librarian,

Hi, how are you? I didn't get a chance to ask when I saw you today because you were busy yelling at that kid over by the computers. You know, the one who was on the phone. Talking quietly to his dad. About the project he was working on at the library. Good thing you nabbed him. Just in time, too, before he was able to ask for a ride home or anything like that.

So I have to ask. What the f*&%? I mean, I can barely believe that kids in this town are still reading, let alone coming to the library, because you seem to be yelling at one child or another every time I visit the place. I once saw you thoroughly berate two boys who had waited too long to come in and look for books for a book report. You were merciless! Scathing, even! Judge Judy would have been proud. Except that while she may be abrasive, Judge Judy at least seems reasonable. And I bet she likes children. And hates people who for no good reason choose to yell at and dominate them. So...never mind about her. Nice going, though.

But please. Help me to understand. What is the source of your animosity? You knew going in that being a Children's Librarian would entail working with children, correct? I'm assuming that did not come as a surprise to you. I mean, it's in the name: CHILDREN'S Librarian. And presumably YOU can read, despite your best efforts to thwart literacy among 5-12 year-olds in our town. Do you just not like kids? And if so, did that fact not dawn on you until the day after graduation???

Okay. In fairness, it's not just you. I have heard similar stories from friends in nearby towns. And come to think of it, even the librarian at the library where my sister and I used to go was scary and brooding and old. I can still see her stern face and disapproving glances and the half-moon glasses that never moved from the tip of her nose but still hung from a chain around her neck. (This is the same librarian who would later take my mother aside and tell her that Judy Blume's "Forever" was absolutely not appropriate reading material for nice fifth-grade girls. Evil witch.) Perhaps there is some sort of coven made up of children's librarians???

But honestly. Instead of scaring the bejeezus out of kids, can't we please try to encourage kids to like the library? It's one of the last free things that kids can do and enjoy. Plus, it's educational. These kids are at the LIBRARY! Most are even there willingly! Shouldn't we be congratulating them for wanting to read? Finding ways to reward them for coming? Can we offer door prizes? Something?

I want my kids to continue to enjoy the library. Our library in particular is beautiful and clean and new and full of possibility. I want to enjoy going there. Right now, going there stresses ME out and I'm pretty sure I handed in all my book reports on time ages ago. So please: go home, watch Mary Poppins, meditate, try a little happy juice if things come to things...and if all else fails, beg the nice librarian in the adult reading room to switch gigs with you from 3-5pm weekdays. Whatever it takes. Just wake up tomorrow, look yourself in the mirror and say "Today I am not going to make some poor unsuspecting kid hate reading." Come on, now. You can do it.

Here's a happy thought to get you started. The Dewey Decimal System is practically dead! That's got to lighten the mood a little, right?

Thanks, and best regards,

Robyn

No-bama?

2009-09-08T20:33:00.001-07:00

Ok folks...here's one that I actually sent. My husband and I wrote it today after finding out that our son's school district didn't show Obama's speech, due to "technical" and "logistical" challenges. Oy vey.

Sorry, kids--they can't all be funny!

Dear Superintendent:

We were quite surprised and upset to read the letter that was sent home with our son today, advising parents that their students were not given the opportunity to watch President Obama’s address to the students of America.

First, the notion that technical and logistical challenges were the main obstacle to showing the President’s address is absurd. My husband remembers well watching the Apollo moon mission in his grammar school…in 1969. I remember quite vividly watching President Reagan’s inauguration in my first grade classroom. The year was 1980. Here in 2009, the technical and logistical challenges you cited were successfully overcome in the town right next door. In fact, a 5 year old from that town explained to me this very afternoon that at school, she watched President Obama give a speech in which he told children to “try hard, do their best, and even if you’re not good at something at first, that you should keep trying, like he did.”

Second, it seems entirely unnecessary for principals and “available” teachers to review and pass judgment on the appropriateness of the President’s address before allowing the students to view it. Whether or not one agrees with President Obama’s politics, he is the President and it goes without saying that his message was vetted by many responsible adults and deemed appropriate for the target audience: the students of America. Furthermore, a transcript of the speech was available online as early as this past weekend. Therefore, you had the option of reviewing the speech in advance and inviting parents to do the same. Parents with objections or concerns could have asked that their children not be included in the viewing. This would have preserved the significance of the moment: the opportunity for students across the country to be “connected” by hearing the same message at the same time.

Finally, it is unacceptable that your letter, dated today, arrived home this afternoon, after the speech had taken place. We sent our son to school this morning assuming that he would participate in the viewing along with students all across the country. Why would any parent think otherwise, having had no communication from the school to the contrary? Surely a letter informing parents of your decision regarding this matter could have been included in the packet of forms sent home during the first few days of school.

When we enrolled our son in this school district, we did so with the hope and belief that he would be exposed to many viewpoints, that he would be encouraged to listen, to learn, to keep an open mind, to think critically, and to ask questions. Your decision flies in the face of that and causes us to question the values of the school system to which we are entrusting our children’s education.

Very truly yours,

Robyn and John Carter

WebMD spreads Medical Students' Disease to the general population. Film at 11.

2009-08-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Dear WebMD,

Hey, how are you guys doing? Great, great. Oh, me? Yeah, I'm fine. FINE. Get it? FINE. You're not going to believe this, but it turns out that I don't actually have any of the diseases you've suggested. Shocker, huh? Yeah. Thought so. Anyway, I've given it some thought, and I'm going to have to ask you to stop scaring the crap out of people. There. I said it. I mean, come on. Have you heard about the recession? The war in Iraq? Global warming, with the icebergs and the polar bears and everything? People have enough to worry about. We don't need you making it any worse. Understand?

You know, for me, a visit to your site always starts innocently enough. A pain. A twitch. Too many headaches. And then there I am, late at night, watching Chelsea Lately and chatting it up on Facebook when the thought takes shape. "Oh--that thing that's been bothering me. Why not look it up on WebMD?" Seems reasonable. And on the outside, I seem reasonable, too. But on the inside, I am steeling myself for whatever affliction your nameless, faceless, virtual "MD" is about to bestow upon me. Oh, I know looking stuff up on your site cannot actually give me, say, diverticulitis, whatever that is, but you telling me I have it will make me believe I have it, and isn't perception reality anyway?

Just last week, in fact, you diagnosed my stiff finger as rheumatoid arthritis. I thought about that Enbrel commercial. Enable. Enbrel. My stomach turned. Another symptom? Perhaps.

A few days into my...what should we call it? Faux-thritis? Yes. A few days into my faux-thritis, anxiety got the better of me, and I shared my 'diagnosis' with a friend. I will admit, it was secretly comforting to learn that she had 'diagnosed' herself with Parkinson's just the week before. And later, after cancelling plans with another friend so I could see an actual doctor about my virtual arthritis, that friend informed me that thanks to the wonders of the internet, she had recently 'diagnosed' herself with fibromyalgia. This after last summer's 'brain tumor' turned out to be just a headache after all. Have I mentioned that we're all 35???

Now, I understand that the information you make available to the public is very helpful to some. I will admit that. I am actually quite reasonable when I am not contemplating the possibility that buttoning a shirt is about to become such a feat for me that next time I do it, someone will want to make a commercial about it. But I have to believe that at this point, you're scaring the shit out of way more people than you're actually helping.

Fortunately, WebMD, I have some thoughts about how you can use your powers for good instead of evil. First, let's agree that from now on, people with actual, substantiated medical conditions (as confirmed by actual, human doctors) can make full and complete use of the medical information you have compiled. As for the rest of us, we're banned. And of course, nobody is allowed on after 11pm. I mean, everyone knows that's just asking for trouble.

For the rest of us, perhaps a more lighthearted spinoff site would be best. How does Magic8BallMD strike you? Users can ask yes/no questions such as "Will my sore middle finger heal itself?" and answers like "Signs point to yes" or "Outlook good" or even the more sobering "Don't count on it" could pop up. That's much less scary. Then somewhere on the page you could have links to relevant specialists. You know, just in case. Feel free to use that one. I think it's got legs.

Anyway, WebMD, I'm off the sauce. No longer will I look up the rashes, bumps, aches, pains strange sounds, strange tastes, eye twitches and so forth that afflict my husband, my children myself or anyone else I know. Instead I'm just going to assume we're all pretty much okay unless there's a good reason to believe otherwise. In which case I will see a doctor. My cousin Judi said "If something's wrong, it will let you know." And I'm more comfortable with thinking that she's right than I am with trying on each and every possibility.

That said, I am still glad you're out there. But look into that 8 Ball thing. I'm telling you, it could be big!

Thanks, and best regards,

Robyn

Whole Paycheck, consider yourself on notice.

2009-07-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Whole Foods,

Hey, how are you guys doing? How's the economy treating you with the recession and everything? I for one am hoping that there are enough of us who are afraid we will poison our kids if we feed them anything other than Veggie Booty, organic strawberries and Bell & Evans Chicken nuggets to keep you guys afloat during these trying times.

Anyway, just wanted to give you a heads up on something. Recently, while shopping at my local Whole Foods, I came across some organic almond butter. Now, I don't normally eat almond butter, but I'm trying to get my husband to eat healthier so that I don't have to worry about our Whole Foods bill giving him a heart attack, and I thought he might enjoy it. There was no price posted, but really, how much is a jar of almond butter--even organic almond butter--going to cost? Five dollars? Maybe six? Seven?

Anywho, I grabbed the almond butter, threw a few other things in the cart, plied the baby with one of those delicious pre-packaged Belgian waffle pieces that I would NEVER buy for myself but am happy to supply to my screaming child as long as she can share, and made my way to the register. There, I had the groceries, reusable shopping bags, sticky baby, oversized purse and of course the waffle to contend with, so perhaps it was my fault I didn't notice the almond butter making it's way past the electric scanner. No problem, right?

Right. Until I got home and happened to glance at the receipt.

Now. Let me just say this. Are you f*ing kidding me?!?!? Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY, expects peanut butter, almond butter, buttered butter, diamond butter, whatever--to cost $19.99 a jar. Come. On. People! Just...come ON!

Look, I'm doing my part here. I have learned to accept paying $8 for a small container of mostly good strawberries and blueberries, half of which will end up on the floor of your store when my daughter insists on feeding them to herself while we shop. I now know that even in the middle of summer, sometimes one must pay $10 for a watermelon. And that if one wants to eat a fish whose deliciousness has brought it dangerously close to extinction, one must be prepared to pay $23.99 a pound for it. But I'm calling bullshit on the almond butter.

Whole Foods, you know I love you. With your miso dressing samples, your cranberry pecan cous-cous and your two-bite brownies. But really. Why even bother selling $19.99 almond butter? Who is buying it on purpose? Nobody. The only people buying that are other distracted mothers, and trust me, they're pissed too.

Okay, okay--don't worry. I will continue to make my regularly scheduled Whole Foods shopping excursions. You know that nobody does organic free range fair trade wild sustainable local kosher heirloom quite the way you do. But just know I've got my eye on you and your almond butter.

Thanks, and best regards,

Robyn

Embracing the Minivan

2009-07-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Me five-years-ago,

Hey--how's it going? Wait--don't answer that, I already know. It's awesome being home with a brand new baby, isn't it? Yes, of course each and every day of motherhood will be JUST like today. Each day will begin with you smiling and practically skipping around the neighborhood with our precious little bundle looking for new and exciting ways to pass the time while he just bats his eyes and smiles lovingly back at you. Promise.

Anyway, listen, while there are a million mind blowing things I could fill you in on, right now I just wanted to ask you a favor. Do you think you could tone it down a little about the minivan people? You know, try and not roll your eyes and shake your head and make that little snorting sound when you pull up to the grocery store and find that the parking lot is practically a minivan showroom? And while it will continue to get laughs for years to come, maybe you could scale back on telling people that when you and John got together, you said you'd take the three kids, but you would NEVER get a minivan?

Because--and I know you are going to find this hard to believe-- but we are mere moments away from becoming the proud owners of a brand new minivan! No, we haven't moved to the midwest or anything. I just really want the minvan. In fact, I'm hoping we can trade in our sporty Acura MDX early to get it. Whew--deep breath. Still with me? Okay.

No--don't give John the death stare. It was my idea. For years, we dealt with all the climbing, the packing, the shoving, the squashing and the whining. The physical boosting of carpool kids and their various accessories over the backseat into the third row and then hurdling strollers and booster seats to seat belt them in; the packing of our kids, holiday gifts, and requisite h'ors d'oeuvres into the car with perfect precision. Until one day, while trying to physically squeeze Dad into the space between the two carseats in the back of the SUV (yep, two carseats. Surprise!) I said to myself, " You know what's less cool than a minivan? This. Trying to squeeze dad into a narrow little space in his big puffy coat and then trying to strap a seatbelt across him is actually less cool than a driving a minivan." And now here I am, hoping we can turn in the SUV early so we can take the minivan on a road trip this summer. Did you know that all the windows in a minvan can open for ventilation but that all the window controls are up front? Brilliant!

Listen, I know this is all a bit much. The one we want, the Toyota Sienna, is actually pretty luxe inside, but you're probably feeling somewhat betrayed right now and may not be inclined to believe me. (It is fully loaded, if that helps.) Anyway, if you could just try and avoid giving the minivan people that incredulous look from now on, that would be great.

Rest assured, however--the mom-jeans people are still fair game.

Thanks and best regards,

About Simmer the Pot

2009-07-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

Simmer the Pot is a collection of recipes, reviews, things I wish I had said, things others maybe shouldn't have said, and other musings on everyday life as a thirty-something mom-person living in suburbia.

My mission here is twofold: first, to share the laughter as I explore the daily trials and tribulations of this extremely rewarding and often ridiculously funny life. The second: to do my part to help our team (that's you, me, and the other moms out there wondering if there's life after chicken nuggets) make it through the day. This means sharing favorite recipes for those of us who may be, say, cooking with one hand and trying to tie a shoe with the other. And recos for kids books that you will actually enjoy reading over and over and over again. I'll share info about products, places, and people that I love and think you'll love too. Hopefully some of this will be useful. Or at the very least, amusing.

Who am I? Let's see. I am a wife, a mom (of two) a stepmom (of three) and a freelance writer/marketing type. Around here I am also head baker, bather, book-reader and bed maker. From Brooklyn to the burbs, baby. And yes, I even drive a minivan now. You heard it here first.

Come, join me as I attempt to convince myself and others that we can handle all of the above (and then some) with grace, wit and style.

Links

2009-07-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Your links go here

Disclosure

2009-07-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

This policy is valid from 23 November 2009
This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. For questions about this blog, please contact Robyn at simmerthepot (at) yahoo (dot) com.

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The owner(s) of this blog is not compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog owners. If we claim or appear to be experts on a certain topic or product or service area, we will only endorse products or services that we believe, based on our expertise, are worthy of such endorsement. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider.

This blog does not contain any content which might present a conflict of interest.

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Contact Me

2009-07-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Interested in advertising?
Contact Robyn at simmerthepot@yahoo.com