Okay.  I have been trying for months to keep my two cents out of the whole Jon and Kate thing, but I can contain myself no longer.

I have been watching that show for years, trying to figure out how these people managed to maintain eight clean and pathologically well groomed children in a consistently spotless house. Each week I would watch for clues, but to no avail.  Monday night after Monday night, I would sit silently in front of the TV, mouth agape, thinking to myself a) if she can do it, I can do it; b) who am I kidding?; and c) is she really a year younger than I am?  Because I don't think I look that old.  Or do I???

Anyway, my point is, I know of what I speak.  And I have a few theories about what's happened to Jon and Kate, and it's time these theories were exposed.

Theory #1: TLC chose Jon & Kate because they were a train wreck in the making

The first thing we have to remember here is that Reality TV was not invented because America loves to see happy little families living happy little lives, with problems that are easily resolved in 30-60 minutes (minus commercials.)  That's why we have sitcoms.  Reality TV was invented because as a society we are just a sick bunch of voyeurs who physically cannot tear ourselves away from the spectacle of regular people making complete and total idiots out of themselves.  (Might I call your attention to Rock of Love, Wife Swap, and The Real World--the Puck years, in particular?)  So if TLC comes knocking on your door asking you to be on a new reality series, they are basically telling you that it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror.  Because they've got a couple million dollars that says you're going to realize your exceptional and spectacular potential for stupidity in the next 13-week cycle.  Or maybe the one after that.

Let's be frank: Jon and Kate were low hanging fruit in this regard.  He was practically catatonic; she dutifully snipped off his balls and let them jingle around in her purse with her keys--what, two, maybe three times an episode?  Plus she had the other eight kids to deal with.  This thing was due to implode years ago.  TLC is probably pissed that it took them this long to make good on their investment.

Theory #2: Reality TV wrecks reality

Could it really be that having one's daily interactions videotaped, filtered, and edited into 22 minutes of engaging television is bad for a marriage? I don't know, but I'll tell you, I watched Little People Big World last night, and it's not looking good for the Rolloffs, either.  Oh, and watch out, other little persons couple with a reality show--you seem happy now, but spend a few more months on TLC and that we're going to find out that the little doctor wife is working after hours in the on call room.  And the Duggars?  You have to know that as soon as the network starts hurting for ratings again, they're going to stop feeding those those 187 kids their Kool-Aid and it's going to be trouble with a capital "J" around there.   Anyway, note to anyone who plans on staying married: even if something really extraordinary happens to you, the most you can really handle is like one two-hour special.  So don't go getting greedy about it, Buster.

Theory #3: Jon Gosselin = Billy from Ally McBeal

Think back, TV lovers.  We have seen this story line before.  Jon was all normal and conservative and sane.  Billy was all normal and conservative and sane.  Jon was bitch-slapped regularly by Kate.  Billy was bitch-slapped regularly by Georgia.  Jon went off the deep end, piercing both ears and hopping on his brand new motorcycle to kick off his nationwide boning tour.  (Look for him at a collegetown bar near you.)  Then, in a desperate cry for help, Jon began refusing to wear anything other than Ed Hardy.  Billy, too, went off the deep end, dying his hair blonde, wearing super pimped out Dr. Rey-style suits, becoming a total pompous ass and cheating on Georgia.  As I recall, Billy's ordeal ended with a dramatic, tear jerking courtroom scene, where, suffering from an aneurism, he declared his love for Ally and then flatlined.  As courtroom season is just heating up for the Gosselins, now's probably as good a time as any for Jon to have a little check up.  You know, just in case.

Anyhow, that's what I've got.  Any other theories are welcome.  You know, I'll miss the Monday night TV time, but I have a feeling that the next unwitting-yet-earnest family is being scouted out at this very moment.   And there's always the Duggars.  At least, for now.

Thanks and best regards,

Robyn