Hey, how are you doing?  Gearing up for the holiday season, I suppose.  Did you guys get the H1N1 vaccine up there?  Not sure if reindeer can get the mist, but you might want to look into that.  At least get their names on the list.

Anyway, listen, I don't usually ask you for anything.  Yes, of course it's because I'm Jewish.  But you know, I'm doing my part to keep you in business by letting my son believe that you may exist.  When he asks if you're real, I say "I don't really know about that--I'm Jewish like you" so that he doesn't go around ruining it for all the little Christian kids.  Not that you owe me...but maybe we can work something out.

What I'm asking for isn't that crazy.  It's not like world peace, an end to hunger, or an end to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (although if anyone can tell me what we're fighting for and how we'll know when we've "won," I'll be happy to listen.)  I mean, let's face it, you talk to reindeer.  So I'm keeping it simple.  Here it is.  You know how Disney has announced that they will refund people's money for all those Baby Einstein videos, if the parents who bought them don't think they made their kids any smarter?  Well, what I want is copies of the letters the parents write asking for their refunds.

Please oh please oh please can I have those letters?  Please?  I need to know who is going to write to Disney and say, "Hey, thanks for offering the refund, because we were just sitting around thinking that despite all the videos, this kid's no Einstein."  Who will be the first among us to stand and say that despite having used Baby Einstein videos as directed, little Leo still insists on trying to get not one, but two egg-shakers into his mouth during each and every music class?

Santa, I will be nice and share the letters with my friends.  I will take good and proper care of them.  I will read them over and over again, instead of just letting them lay around unread and unloved after Christmas morning.  Please????

I think when I see those letters, I will decide to admire the parents who wrote them.  It's like declaring that the Emperor had no clothes.  Everyone knew it, but only one guy had the guts to put it out there.  These parents are courageous!  Heroes among us.  Although, I must admit, I'm having trouble believing that anyone who bought those videos really thought they were going to make their kids smarter.

Now, I don't know what kind of set up you guys have there, Santa, or whether you have any kids of your own, but surely you've put one or two of these videos in a stocking over the years.  Even you must know that anyone who bought a Baby Einstein video in hopes of making their child smarter, and then watched any part of said video would immediately have started looking for a plan B.  (No, not THE Plan B!  Just, you know, another strategy.)  But four of them?  Disney is refunding up to four videos per family.  Now THOSE are the letters I really want to see.  After watching the first three, were those parents still thinking "Eh, maybe?"

But I commend the parents who can say, "We bought the videos, and, well, we're hoping he can learn to play the oboe."  I need to see for myself that in this ultra competitive society, where babies are "learning" Mandarin in utero, that there are parents out there who have the balls to say, "Disney, your videos had Einstein in the name, and despite the fact the our child sat still as a stone watching seasons one through four of mute dinosaur hand puppets and cymbal clacking monkeys, today my wife and I watched him spend 20 minutes gluing his hands together, and we're thinking we deserve a refund."

I know it's high season for you over there, since the big Christmas shopping extravaganza now starts the day after Halloween, so I won't keep you.  Thank you for you kind consideration in this matter.   I will leave some cookies out for you and the reindeer.  Oh, and some Purell, too. Just in case.

Thanks and best regards,

Robyn